A Little Bit “Bad”

What the Aries full moon is illuminating about the self beneath the roles we’ve played

Happy full moon in Aries !

If you open my Spotify on any given day, there’s a 90% chance that the last thing I listened to was an astrology podcast.

I love following the cycles of the moon and seeing how the themes of whatever sign it’s in are playing out in my life.

But I don’t always do this with 100% awareness. In fact, usually I don’t. Usually, life will just be “lifing” and then I’ll look back and realize, WOW, that was totally aligned with this full moon energy …

Which is exactly what happened this month. But more on that in a moment.

The more I’ve been moving through perimenopause, the more I’ve noticed how beautifully the lunar cycles mirror the cyclical process of seeing, shedding and emerging that naturally happens throughout the perimenopause years.

I love astrology and I’m passionate about supporting women through perimenopause. Being in community with other women is also a huge part of what makes my life feel meaningful.

Substack feels like such a beautiful place to bring all of that together. So in this post, I’m experimenting with the idea of creating a monthly space, aligned with the energy of the full moon, for those of us moving through perimenopause to reflect on what’s unfolding in our lives together.

We’ll see how it feels, and if there’s energy around this, we’ll make it a regular practice.

The moon as a mirror

The full moon holds a lot of symbolism for this time of life.

Illumination

Just like the full moon illuminates the darkness making it possible to see what we couldn’t see before, perimenopause shines a light on any illusions we’ve been living inside of.

For many of us, the peri years bring the desires and truths we’ve pushed aside for decades into the light, making them impossible to ignore. Whether that’s a job that’s sucking our soul, a relationship that’s slowly dying, roles we’ve played that no longer fit, anger we’ve swallowed… or something else. There are so many ways it can look.

Full Expression

The full moon doesn’t hold back. It shines bright for everyone to see and it takes up space unapologetically.

Similarly, as we make our way through perimenopause we’re called to express the parts of ourselves we’ve kept hidden for years. To speak our truth, unleash our wildness and experiment with new ways of being and expressing that have been waiting to come out and play.

We’re done diminishing our light to make others more comfortable.

Release

Whether we’re ready for it or not, perimenopause arrives and asks us to look at everything we’ve collected throughout our life, from the physical stuff to the emotional baggage, and decide what we want to take with us into the next chapter. Everything else has to go.

The interesting thing is that this doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in cycles, just like the moon. As soon as the moon becomes full, it immediately begins to wane, emptying itself of light and moving toward the darkness of the new moon. Then it begins to grow again, eventually bringing something new into the light.

My experience of perimenopause has been a lot like this. Just when I thought I had released or transformed something, I’d see something else I hadn’t been ready to see before and another piece would be ready to shed. It’s a process that happens again and again, each cycle revealing another layer and making room for more of who we’re becoming.

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September’s full moon in Aries - a reclamation of “self”

Each full moon comes with its own “flavor” if you will, depending on the sign it’s in. This month’s full moon on September 26th is in the sign of Aries (which just so happens to be my rising sign!). Aries is “me” energy. It’s about the self, identity and who we’re becoming. It has brave, initiatory energy that’s not afraid to set boundaries and ask for what it needs.

What’s interesting about this full moon is that it sits opposite the sun in Libra, which is a sign about relationship, harmony and balance. Libra is “we” energy.

At first glance, these two signs might seem opposite, and in a sense they are. But when we look at them together, we’re brought to some very important questions that many of us perimenopausal women are already asking ourselves:

✨ Who am I beneath the relational patterns I’ve unconsciously participated in my entire life?

✨ Where have I been sacrificing myself to keep the peace?

✨ What relationships have I been pouring into but not receiving anything back in return?

This full moon is lighting up parts of ourselves that have been buried beneath the roles we’ve learned to play, some of them so deeply ingrained that we’ve mistaken them for who we are. As those parts begin to wake up, we can start to see what’s actually ours and what we’ve taken on in order to belong or keep the peace.

What’s been alive for me this month

Ok so … WOW! As I look back over the past month, the themes of this Aries full moon opposite the sun in Libra are so aligned with what I’ve been going through it’s kind of wild.

At the beginning of this moon cycle, my relationship with my mom blew up. I’ve spent my entire life trying to find the right words and the right approach to make her happy, while abandoning myself in the process. Since I was a child, I’ve felt responsible for her happiness and fallen into a pattern of suppressing my needs, swallowing my frustration and resentment, and giving away so much of my energy that I would need hours … sometimes weeks … to recover afterward.

About a month ago, I finally hit my limit. I set a boundary and, for once, I chose not to abandon myself to keep the peace. As you can imagine, it didn’t go well.

She told me I was selfish, or in her words, “you never learned how to help people because you’re an only child.” She hasn’t talked to me since.

After a lifetime of bending over backwards to help her, being told I’m not a helpful person for finally having needs of my own was really painful. But it also brought me face to face with one of the biggest lessons I’ve been learning throughout perimenopause, which is that someone else’s perception of me doesn’t have to become my truth.

I know how much I care and how much I’ve given. And I know I’m an empathetic person who’s shown up for the people I love over and over again, especially my mom. It’s liberating to let my truth be enough, even if she has a different story.

But in the aftermath of setting the boundary, I got sucked into my very familiar pattern of trying to make sense of it in my head. Reading books, listening to podcasts, going to therapy, wanting to understand what happened and what I could have done differently. I’ve been carrying the emotional burden of this relationship my entire life. Always trying to make things better and create the connection I long for.

The problem is, this pattern comes at a cost. I’ve spent endless amounts of energy trying to analyze and make sense of something that will never make sense. And this time, my body made it very clear that I’d gone too far. After my back went into spasms, I realized I had to stop. If it didn’t make sense after 43 years, I needed to accept that it probably never would.

So with the encouragement of my husband (and many of you, my amazing and supportive Substack community), I decided to take a spontaneous trip to a festival in New Mexico where I spent the next few days dancing under the stars, connecting with friends and taking my mind completely off the situation with my mom.

It was just the medicine my soul needed.

As I stepped out of the churning in my head and got back into my body, surrounded by nature, fresh air, good music and open-hearted people, I started to feel my own energy coming back online.

It was like a flood of life force came rushing through me, and I could feel how much of that energy had been tied up in my relationship with my mom throughout my life. All the energy I’d put into trying to make her happy, understand her and do all the right things in hopes of finally being seen and loved in the way I longed for was suddenly available for something else.

For me. And for all the other beautiful relationships I’m so grateful to have in my life that fill my cup as much as I fill theirs.

Parts of myself that I had buried deep in my subconscious started to come out from the shadows. I felt alive, wild, free and I had this strange desire to be a little bit “bad,” which was unfamiliar and also exciting.

For most of my life, I believed the roles I had learned to play were who I actually was. The good girl, the responsible one, the person who always did what I thought would make the other person happy at the cost of her own needs. I didn’t realize how much of my self-expression had been locked down underneath all of that. And I’m really excited to see what becomes possible in my life, my work, and in my relationships when I bring my energy back home to myself … when I stop trying to prove that I’m a good person by abandoning myself.

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What’s been alive for you?

I’m so curious to hear what you’re beginning to see more clearly in your life this month. Do the full moon themes resonate with what’s been unfolding for you?

If you want to spend some time reflecting on how this full moon energy is showing up in your life, here are some journal prompts to explore. Choose whichever ones are calling you.

Illumination
What truth or desire has become impossible to ignore?

Full Expression
What part of myself have I been keeping contained to make others more comfortable? What parts want to be more expressed?

Release
What role, identity, expectation, old story or even physical thing am I ready to let go of so I can move forward with more freedom and peace?

Aries + Libra
Where have I been abandoning myself to keep the peace? What would it look like to stay connected to myself while in relationship?

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Share with us …

This is a community space that I want to open up each month where we can come together to share what’s been emerging in our lives over the current moon cycle.

It’s a space to be witnessed as we share what we’re finally able to see clearly.
To be supported as we shed the parts of our lives and identities that no longer fit.
And to be celebrated as we become more fully ourselves.

The perimenopause years can feel isolating.

So please share your reflections in the comments with us. Every comment helps someone else feel a little bit less alone.

And if you’ve written about what you’re waking up to during perimenopause on your own Substack, please share that with us too! It’s a gift to be able to hear each other’s stories as we’re coming home to ourselves through this time of life.

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Would you be interested in gathering live?

I love connecting here on Substack, but there’s something about being together face to face that can’t be replicated through the comments.

So I’d love to create a space for women going through perimenopause where we can gather each month. Two spaces, actually. One virtually on Zoom and one in my living room in Colorado for those who live locally.

It would be a circle where we can share what’s really going on and receive support around the things perimenopause brings to the surface, from our changing bodies and health to questioning our identities and the relationships we’ve built our lives around.

And then we’d move into a full moon ritual and release ceremony to honor all the shedding this season asks of us. Each month, we’d have a place to let go of what we’re ready to release and make space for what’s ready to emerge.

Would you be interested in being part of something like this? Let me know in the comments.

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Hey , I’m Jessie May!

At 39, perimenopause turned my life upside down and eventually became an awakening I never saw coming. Now I guide women through the whole arc of this initiation, from sitting in the void of not knowing what’s next, to finding our voices as we emerge into who we’re becoming.

I love creating spaces where we can talk about what this time feels like with people who understand. Thanks for being here, I can’t wait to get to know you!

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Ways I can help

✨ Substack Coaching - For women who want to turn the experiences they’ve lived through into a meaningful Substack publication that helps others feel less alone.

✨ Perimenopause Initiation Coaching - For women waking up to themselves through the initiation of perimenopause.

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