It seems like yesterday, but I just pulled out my journal and it was over three years ago…
March 24th, 2023
I wrote: “It feels like everything I’ve ever believed or achieved has been sucked into a wood chopper and spit out in pieces.”
I was in a really dark place. The life I had built, the goals I had strived for, the business I created and the beliefs and values that had shaped my identity were all coming up for question. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore and I felt completely directionless.
At the time, I didn’t have a name for what I was going through, but looking back, I can see that I was clearly in the void that so many women in their perimenopause years experience. It’s that liminal space where who we were has unraveled and who we’re becoming hasn’t taken shape yet.
I wrote that journal entry from my Air Bnb bedroom where I was attending a 3-day retreat weekend to support myself through this painful unraveling.
As I looked up from my journal, a small plant with roots extending into the air, caught my attention. It was the air plant that my husband gave me as a gift before I left for the weekend.
As I sat there having a moment with the sweet little being, I realized something: this plant didn’t need to be rooted in soil to thrive.
What?! How is that even possible? I thought.
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I went on to write …
“What if I could be like the air plant? What if I don’t need to be “rooted”? What if I could thrive without certainty, without knowing who I am, what I want or what I believe?
Have I been striving for the wrong things all along?
I’ve always lived with the idea that to thrive, to be ok, to be a worthy person, I must be grounded, have clear direction and a solid sense of who I am and what I believe. In my mind, there was no other option, that’s just what I should aim for if I want to be someone worth anything.
But where did that idea even come from? Is it just my ego trying to survive?
What if I could be more free, happy and content by not grasping so desperately to a sense of self? What if by being “unrooted” I could actually thrive more because I could be flexible, open and unattached to expectations?
What if my value doesn’t come from being certain, solid and grounded, but from somewhere else entirely?”
I had more questions than I had answers, and for the first time, that felt okay. The questions opened me to something new, something that made it possible to sit in the discomfort of the void and exist without the identities that had always given me comfort.
That morning, after I closed my journal and before I walked downstairs to be with the group, I drew a card: The Bardo. The place between. The card read: “The Bardo suspends us in spaciousness for just long enough to open us to higher wisdom.”
That was me. Suspended in space, and for the first time, not fighting it. I breathed in deep and felt a sense of calm flow through my body.
I opened my journal one last time to write:
“I feel like I’m on the brink of a breakthrough but I have to shed old skin to get there. I cannot stay the same and become who I’m meant to be.”
Letting go can be painful, but it can also open us up to possibilities we couldn’t have seen while still holding on.
If something (or everything) in your life feels like it’s coming apart right now…
If you’re questioning things you used to feel so certain about…
Can you let yourself be there, even just a little longer, without rushing to fix it?
It might just be that nothing needs to be fixed. That the magic unfolding for you in the space between is exactly what’s needed for who you’re becoming.
In my next piece, I’ll share about the magic that unfolded for me when I stayed in the void long enough to discover what wanted to emerge.
Invitation to share:
Did any part of this resonate with you? I’d love to hear what it brought up for you.
Hey , I’m Jessie May!
At 39, perimenopause turned my life upside down and eventually became an awakening I never saw coming. Now I guide women through the whole arc of this initiation, from sitting in the void of not knowing what’s next, to finding our voices as we emerge into who we’re becoming.
I love creating spaces where we can talk about what this time feels like with people who understand. Thanks for being here, I can’t wait to get to know you!
Ways I can help
✨ Substack Coaching - For women who want to turn the experiences they’ve lived through into a meaningful Substack publication that helps others feel less alone.
✨ Perimenopause Initiation Coaching - For women waking up to themselves through the initiation of perimenopause.
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A space for women unraveling and recreating their lives during the perimenopause years. Pivots, purpose, identity, patterns and turning our experiences into meaningful work … those are just some of the things we explore together here.
Very powerful and very relevant! Thank you for these beautiful words to describe what many of us are going through right now.
Oh I love the thought of what if we don't need to be planted. Our roots are within us anyway!